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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.