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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.