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Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will only be jingling "part" of the way this year, as usual ur patience is appreciated.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.