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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.