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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.