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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.