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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.