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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.