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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.