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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off