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As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.