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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!