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I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.