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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...