Daily Silly Status

Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?

Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

HardCoreStrategy 22 hours ago 6 3? Guys are? in a cafe. The first guy says "I?? have the smallest arm in the? world." The second guy says I have the?? smallest head in? the world." The third guy says I have the smallest d^ck in the world. They all? go to? the Guinness Book of World records. The? first? guy comes back and says I really? have the smallest arm in the world. The seconds guy? returns and? says? I have the smallest head in the world. The third guy comes back? and angrily?? says WHO? T

What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.

My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.

If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.

It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.

It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.

I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…

I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.

If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.

At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.

in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria

I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner