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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Do angry people know about naps?
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.