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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.