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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
I drink to make other people interesting.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.