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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
"Love your friends, Not their sisters." & "Love your sisters, Not their friends." -By Mummy...