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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.