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I drink to make other people interesting.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.