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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.