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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.