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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Own the day
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`