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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!