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I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...