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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.