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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.