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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.