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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.