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Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.