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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
My internet goes out more than I do.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.