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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.