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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…