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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M