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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.