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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.