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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.