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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO