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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it