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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I believe in love at first episode.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.