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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.