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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.