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I just called. To say. I texted you.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"