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I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"