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I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.
How`d this get posted?