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The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.