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Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.