Daily Silly Status

I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.

So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.

My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!

I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.

Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.

Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.

There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.

I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....

My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)

Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M