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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.