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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.