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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.