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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?