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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Long story short, I love summaries.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.