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It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
is spending my children´s inheritance.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?