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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.