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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.