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My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.