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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?