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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone