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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.