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My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
My mom says I`m special.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.