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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?