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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".