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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.