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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.