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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?