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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)