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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.